The Reverend

2011

Directed by Neil Jones – Written by Neil Jones

Starring: Stuart Brennan, Tamar Hassan, Rutger Hauer and Doug Bradley

Welsh writer / director, Neil Jones brings us this one, can’t say I’ve heard of this bloke before but apparently he’s been shown at Cannes, not too shabby. And we all like a little slice of low budget film from our neck of the woods.

This is very quickly going to DVD and on the cover you’ll find, ‘A phenomenal take on The Vampire Movie’. Now, there isn’t a film called ‘The Vampire Movie’, which is just there grammar mistake – on a DVD case, really? – what they mean is the vampire movie, making a mention to the huge collection that has been made. As for the phenomenal take, there is a phenomenal taking as Jones helps himself to the off-cuts discarded by already existing terrible vampire movies. Get the worst ones you can think of, find the bits they thought too shit to put in their film, stick together badly and you have what Jones has produced.

So, Stuart Brennan as The Reverend is pissing off the local gangland bunch for reasons never explained; one day he is doing something or other when a white haired Brazilian woman comes in, bites his neck and combusts, thus The Reverend is transformed in to a vampire – how socially daring and bathed in wit. He’s given a pass from the secular powers that be to act as the judge, jury and executioner at the behest of Mr. Alpha Omega himself. With this pass he targets the kind of people a five year old would label bad, sticking your tongue out is rude and this big bad vampire is going to put a table leg through your skull, bite you and then set you alight.

Set in South Wales most of the film looks like a bunch of dim mates with a bit of cash running about for laugh. It’s all pretty dire from the charisma vacuum cast as they repeat their lines three or four times in an increasingly loud way in desperate attempt to pad out and reach the golden 90 minutes. Seriously now, Shane Ritchie plays a pimp.

Oh, and it’s a horror… A really fucking shit need to wash yourself after watching stain on the industry horror.

0/10

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